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There are five steps:

(1). Active Listening: Listen to their side and make them aware you’re listening.

(2). Empathy: You get an understanding of where they’re coming from and how they feel.

(3). Rapport: Empathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. They start to trust you.

(4). Influence: Now that they trust you, you’ve earned the right to work on problem-solving with them and recommend a course of action.

(5). Behavioural Change: They act. (And maybe come out with their hands up.)

The problem is, you’re probably screwing it up.

Not that most of us have hostages for partners or anything but we could all learn a few skills in how to operate at that level — so the little skirmishes we do have don’t seem anywhere as threatening and we don’t then have to threaten back…