So why don’t people just ask for what they want instead of complaining about what they don’t get?
We want to believe the other person can read our minds, and if they could we wouldn’t haven’t to ask for what we want.
We want to punish the other person for not giving us what we want. Hard to admit, but it’s true.
What does it take to make sex more than merely functional or even satisfying but truly memorable and extraordinary? That’s the question Canadian psychology professor Peggy Kleinplatz has spent the past decade trying to answer.
Together with students from the University of Ottawa, she’s conducted a series of studies featuring long interviews with volunteers who referred to themselves as experienced in great sex in order to describe in an empirical way the components of what she calls ”optimal sexuality.”
Her 64 participants included many older people – 60 plus – recruited for the knowledge they acquired in long-term relationships, as well as gay and bisexual volunteers and a group of sex therapists. The result was that eight components were identified as contributing to optimum sexual experiences:
* Being present, focused, and embodied – staying totally absorbed at the moment.
* Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch – two becomes one.
* Deep sexual and erotic intimacy – mutual respect and trust.
* Extraordinary communication heightened empathy – being tuned in to each other’s feelings, needs and responses.
* Authenticity, transparency, being genuine, uninhibited – stripped bare, emotionally and physically.
* Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing – a unique ”high”.
* Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun – great sex involves laughter.
* Vulnerability and surrender – one’s entire being in someone else’s hands.
What surprised the researchers was the uniformity of responses. ”The participants differed enormously from each other in terms of sexual orientation, age, relationship status, level of physical ability and sexual functioning but their conceptualizations of great sex were far more similar than they were different,” say the authors.
Indeed, great sex turned out to have very little to do with sexual techniques, orgasms, erections or physical prowess.
The rest of the article is good — but the intellectual center is the above author’s work.
Dr. Kleinplatz’s early work on understanding the erotic encounter is some of the most foundational and brilliant understanding of the inner workings of human sexuality.
This work looks to match it and, at the very least, functions as both a clear picture of how similar male and female sexual desires are as well as a decent and highly achievable checklist for building a really great sex life.Read more
We’ve spent a lot of time discussing things that good men don’t do, as well as things that they need to do better. But we must not forget that there are two sides to relationships and that men need to know what to look out for in women, also.
Men are used to pursuing women, so she shows interest back in our direction, it’s natural to overlook the red flags for the fact that she makes us feel wanted or perhaps how beautiful she is.
The Centers for Disease Control released a monster report last week on the state of Americans’ health. The 511-page report makes one thing abundantly clear: teens are behaving better right now than pretty much any other time since the federal government began collecting data.
It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s mainly comprised of charts and it’s the perfect buzz-kill for the usual narrative of, “Kids these days are never gonna amount to anything.”Read more
When he came out of rehab for the fourth time, we knew something had shifted.
The last rehab focused a lot on codependency and trauma, and how they played out in our relationship. For the first time, I went to therapy sessions with my husband, and together, we learned skills for handling the bumps in the road that was sure to come up in our relationship. Recovering from sex addiction is not just about quitting unhealthy sexual behaviours-the quitting is important, but once an addict is sober, he needs to understand the core issues.
Noting that there are “almost no findings showing that [high] self-esteem causes anything [beneficial] at all,” University of Pennsylvania psychology professor Martin Seligman laments:
“Something striking has happened to the self-esteem of American children during the era of raising our children to feel good. They have never been more depressed.”
This is no doubt partly because raised to believe that they are special and perfect and entitled to all good things, they face terrible comedowns in the real world.
To start, ask him if he feels you’re looking out for him; can he tell how much you’re there for him? Then, ask him what are the best ways you can show him your support. Listen to his answer. Make an effort that very moment to respond to what he says.
Here’s what emotional support can look like:
He wants more physical affection and touch from you-and not just sex. Men tell me all the time how they want their significant other to show more affection. So cuddle up to him while you watch a show, give him a big hug and kiss hello, or give him a 5-minute should rub while you’re laying in bed together, getting ready to go to sleep. Make an effort to show some physical affection towards him consistently.
Here’s the issue with that. I can’t tell you the last time I spent on the couch just making out with my wife and telling her how incredible she is, how she hung the moon, let alone wanting to even spend an hour on the couch just sucking each other’s face. But when we first started dating? That’s all I could think about. Sure, we have INCREDIBLY romantic times together still and days where my heart is so full it breaks at even the thought of being without her, but that infatuation we first felt is long gone.
She also exchanged intimate photographs with some of her correspondents, Le Figaro newspaper reported.
In her defence at the divorce hearings, she argued that she had done so while in a state of depression.
But the judges decided that her depression was not a factor in her visits to the website and last month ruled in favour of Bruno.