So why don’t people just ask for what they want instead of complaining about what they don’t get?
We want to believe the other person can read our minds, and if they could we wouldn’t haven’t to ask for what we want.
We want to punish the other person for not giving us what we want. Hard to admit, but it’s true.
We want to avoid being vulnerable, opening up and asking for what we want.
But, these are nothing more than self-justifications for why we complain about what we don’t get instead of asking for what we want.
Try it this weekend. The next time your partner does something you don’t like, instead of complaining about it, just ask your partner for what you want.
And the next time your partner doesn’t do something you wish he or she would do, instead of pointing out that they didn’t do it, just ask them if they would do what you want now.
Notice what happens. Notice your tendency and habit—maybe even desire—to be critical of your partner. What’s that get you? Maybe you get to be right, but do you get to be close or to connect? And, which do you want more?
Something tells me that the linked article was written by a really cranky therapist after a hard session of all out marital combat.
As cranky sounding as it is though, it’s so true.
And, it’s difficult. None of us find it easy to ask for what we want — the other person could decline our request and then what will we do. It’s so much easier to complain.
But, the vulnerability of asking does wonders…