AlterNet

For me, good means that you are in the moment with me, that you respect my desires as worthy, and that you pay attention when I express myself verbally and non-verbally. And I, of course, will make every effort to do the same for you.

So what was the magic question? What did he ask that leapfrogged us from normal to special?

“How do you get yourself off,” he asked, “when you’re all alone?” I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

First, the question acknowledges that I am a sexual being even when I am not in his presence, or in the presence of any other man. I am the agent, not the object.

Second, it is open-ended enough for me to respond however graphically I want.

Don’t question it.

Just ask your partner — and make sure you have an answer in return!!!

Did it?

Good — now go do something about it!!!

Why? The willingness to share fantasy is the willingness to allow our partner into a full third of our personality that never gets touched in any other way. It’s the only mechanism available through which we can become vulnerable enough to experience the personal transformation and intimate fulfillment every sexual experience was designed to provide.

Really, no one should ever have sex with the same person twice — while still remaining monogamous…