Why do I keep picking addicts to date?
Simply put, the more intensely you are attracted to someone, the more likely you are to repeat an old pattern. This is kind of bad news if you want to be swept off your feet. It’s fun to be swept away, madly in love, but let’s say you have decided to try it a different way.
You are being cautious, you are only relating to people who seem sincere, responsible, grown-up. And yet here comes someone who is all those things and wildly attractive too! The problem here is that we really do tend to mistake intensity for intimacy. Furthermore, romantic intensity can distort our judgment.
It is easiest to be instantly attracted to someone when they are “your type”. Your type is whatever is most likely to “hook” you. You instantly know your type when you see it, whether it’s quiet, outgoing, shy, athletic, nerdy, flighty, funny, brooding, intense, unpredictable, short, tall, etc. etc.
Once you have spotted someone who is your type it may feel both exciting and, at the same time, wonderfully familiar. That feeling of familiarity is the first clue that you may be about to repeat an old pattern.
I’ve been saying this for years: At some point, most of us have to admit that we can’t trust our hearts and need to date with our brains first.
That’s not to say that the heart is unimportant — but it is to say that it should only be let out to play once your brain has had its say.
Surprisingly absent from the above-linked article is the most important option though: Get healthy enough yourself that broken people become afraid of you — because you will force them to be too real for their own comfort…