I initially thought that it was the memories of the events and how they had made me feel when they happened that was the major source of the pain I felt. I think that I understand a bit more about where some of my decisions have led me. I also think that I have a lot that I’ve yet to understand.
In my teenage years, I thought a lot about taking my own life. I think, at some point, most teenagers do. Now as an adult, I realize that in a way I did. I was thinking about it and I think that anger, other people, the cosmos, and also God influence some suicides. Other influences are deep heartaches and suicide seems like the only thing that will stop the pain. Some of us don’t end our mortal lives though; we just stop living, which is another kind of suicide. I think that those of us who have gone unnoticed, disregarded, ignored or have been hurt in other ways are the ones that have the highest probability of arriving at the outer edges of the spectrum. That’s what happens when your soul has so many footprints on it.
Sometimes people would convince me that they would catch me if I let go and it was just a trap and then they would all laugh at me while I lay on the ground bleeding. It seemed like choosing to stop living and never again take any chances was a much better choice than to live face down in the dirt buried by immoral laughter. I don’t think that I stopped living all at once; I think it happened piece by piece over time. Some of it happened from having to listen to a silent scream that came from deep within my heart that was so painfully loud that kept saying, “pick me”.
I also think that everyone has a part of themselves they are not particularly fond of. They carry that part of themselves around like a weight. The part of myself that I am not fond of is the part that hurts or abandons other people because I immediately assume that they will or think that they have hurt me when they won’t or haven’t. I think it is the fortunate ones that realize that when the weight gets too heavy, they have a choice. They can choose to set it down. Once they have set it down they gain the ability to see things the way they really are. I think I am maybe starting to see things a bit differently because I have set it down, but I don’t think I have let go of the handles yet and I may need a bit more time before I can walk away from it completely. It is really hard though to let go of something that you feel saved your life.
It’s rare to even find people willing to be this honest — much less those who actually do so…
It strikes me that the above is precisely the world Jesus came into to transform: A world filled with people who, while still living, have already committed suicide. A world where the living dead walk around with deep bootprints on their hearts, the unholy laughter of evil ringing in their ears and an oppressive sense of having deserved all of the above.
It’s called shame…
The message He came to deliver? It’s simple: “I can see you, I love you and I can heal you if you’ll let Me. It’s time to bring your heart out to play in the community of all the other people I’ve already raised from the dead.”
And yes, they are out there — mostly in coffee shops, pubs and living-rooms where people gather in His name. They are found where hungry hearts seek to love and be loved and where those who have given up on the rules seek to know and be known by others anyway. They hang out with the broken, the humbled and sometimes the tipsy in places where the, “Righteous,” rarely dare to tread for fear they would look anything but. They are found with the outcasts, the free thinkers, the lovers and the mystics — with the people who would rather dance before Him then seek to quantify Him.
Yes, they are difficult to spot — but can always be found by heart for, in their presence, judgment fades away. They are people who know they are absolutely perfect, holy and infinitely lovable — and see you that way too.
Rarely, they may even be found in the bricks and mortar church. But, it’s easy to spot them there — taking heavy fire as they fight to change it….