Psychology Today

It is far too common for sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships to take a nosedive. The good news is, we know what to do about it. The bad news is many people are too lazy and complacent to do it. (As a couples therapist, I see this often.)

There have been a few replicated studies on a phenomenon called “sexual communal strength” and its impact on sexual satisfaction over time. Turns out, sexual communal strength is the one researched characteristic that makes or breaks a sex life. It is defined as “desire or willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs, even when different from your own preferences.”

The great thing is, none of the behaviours that represent sexual communal strength require a personality transplant or the acquisition of some amazing skill. The behaviours simply require willingness.

Are you and your partner willing to have sex even when you don’t feel like it?

Are you and your partner willing to pursue sexual activities that the other enjoys?

Are you and your partner willing to try to understand and meet the other’s sexual needs?

I’m not sure I can totally agree with his assessment that people are too, “Lazy and complacent,” to do the work needed to have a satisfying sex life — exhaustion and children may play an ever so ‘slight’ role here as well…

But his assertion that we know what to do to fix the problem couldn’t be more accurate.

The real problem is that so few people are willing to face up to their own fears and retaliatory strategies that keep them from risking GIVING what they themselves WANT to the other.