Abstinence after marriage?
After a few years, the researcher checked back to find fourteen of the men had since gotten married. She discovered that their lifetimes of fighting sexual desire conditioned them to regard sex as taboo even after the knot had been tied, causing poor communication in the bedroom.
“After marriage, the church culture assumes that couples become each other’s support, regardless of the issue at hand,” Diefendorf said. “There’s little support in figuring out sexuality in married life, and these men don’t know how to talk to their wives about it.”
One of the men said, “For me to come home from work and say, ‘hey, did you like it last time?’ I mean that would be – that would be such a weird question for me to ask.”
After getting hitched, the men also struggled to discuss sex with one another for fear of disrespecting their wives.
“While the whole point of these support groups is to honour sex in marriage, these men have gotten so used to thinking about sex as something negative that they bring those concerns with them to the marriage bed,” Diefendorf said. “Once they’re married, these men struggle to manage those concerns in the absence of the supportive community they once benefited from.”
Turns out, sex does happen after marriage — it’s just so shame-based no one can talk about it or make it better.