Creating magical sex – for BOTH of you!

Creating magical sex – for BOTH of you!

Creating magical sex – for BOTH of you!

Comments Off on Creating magical sex – for BOTH of you!

If North America has been successful at anything, it has fully achieved the goal of taking nearly every fantasy and depiction of human sexuality and, in image, written word or other means, managed to make it available for anyone to peruse.


The Internet is over flowing with it. In the United States alone, every 39 minutes a new erotic video is being created. 35% of all Internet downloads are related to erotic or pornographic media and roughly 25% of all Google searches are for such.

And, it’s hardly just men searching for it.

At least one third of the viewers of erotic media are women and a vast amount of erotic media is created especially for women. When we factor in consumers of non-pictorial erotic literature, women consume as much or even more erotica then men do.

sex addiction online erotica porn counselling calgaryConsidering that every second, over 28 thousand people are watching erotic or pornographic media online, we should all be experts by now…

Sadly, the level of ignorance we see in sex and relationship therapy sessions is growing – and not slowly either.

The problem is, most of the above-described media is targeted media. It’s media very deliberately designed to be desirable to men or to women, created to appeal to what each most frequently fantasizes about and highly unlikely to depict behaviours which offer much to the other gender. Most importantly, it depicts members of the opposite sex responding to, enjoying, demonstrating passion for and experiencing climax as a result of those non-desirable behaviours.

It’s almost like we are socializing men and women to be lousy lovers…

Women, in particular, often come to believe that the only way they can be sexually satisfying to their partners is to enact the simulated passion and wild sexual positions that male focused erotica is based upon. Yet, when I speak with men with partners who attempt such, many describe it as, “Getting old pretty quick.” And, when those sentiments are conveyed to his partner, the emotional impact of such can usually be categorized as, “Devastating,” and will almost certainly trigger the revelation of an equal level of dissatisfaction with his performance.

Each was trying – and trying hard with what he or she knew. The problem is, the information was wrong.

Great sex rarely involves the out of control gymnastics, fake screams of passion, specific sizes of genitals, long torrid romancing, unreasonable expectations for mood or the high levels of aggression usually depicted by both male and female oriented erotica.

What does great sex require?

Great sex requires deep emotional bonding.

relationship sexuality counselling calgaryThe vast majority of the sex therapy we offer to clients has nothing to do with genitals and everything to do with the human heart. When two people know how to express their emotional worlds to each other, effectively resolve conflict and meet each other’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs, meeting sexual needs becomes so much easier. For the vast majority of both men and women, emotional bonding dramatically increases the desire to provide pleasure to his or her partner.

Emotional bonding is absolutely critical for eliminating one of sexuality’s greatest killers: Anxiety. Anxiety is the opposite of sexual gratification and the reason why the very best sex will always come in the context of complete relational security.

Communication about sex is essential.

Even if you somehow had a window into your partner’s heart and mind and could, today, see every one of the deepest sexual desires he or she carries, by next week, they would all be different anyway. Desires shift, change and grow. The turn-offs of yesterday may become turn-ons today and vice versa. It’s just not enough to just talk about things you would like to try. It also needs to include an in-depth exploration of desire and the reasons for such as well as constant instruction as to what brings pleasure.

couple conversation sex relationship counselling calgaryFantasy is not optional.

Obviously, most of our fantasies would be a terrible idea to actually enact in real life but that doesn’t matter – they still need to be shared and received in a non-judgmental way. Having and verbally expressing fantasy is a key way we allow our partners to see into the depths of our being and meet our most core longings. When couples claim that the, “Mystery is gone,” what it really means is that they have limited their explorations to skin and genitals instead of exploring the fantasy engine created by God to make sex a path of endless discovery.

When we risk the exposure of our deepest selves by way of our fantasies and our partner accepts and responds to such, so many positive changes can occur:

  • Loves’ mortal enemies – guilt, shame and fear – are erased
  • A deeper sense of love is experienced
  • Self image improves and a deep sense of freedom washes over the person
  • Those fantasies lose their ability to make you anxious
  • Those fantasies cease to haunt you
  • New fantasies take their place for you and your partner to explore.

Experimentation keeps sex stimulating and exciting.

date fun play desire intimacyPlaying always starts outside of the bedroom. Women did not invent the concept of a date – men invented it. Typically, most men talk while they are doing something, working or playing together. That talking-while-doing is why the relationship came to be in first place. Yet, for far too many couples we see, dating virtually ended the moment the echo of the, “I do’s,” died away. The result is a disintegration of communication, a decrease in intimate sharing, an increase in boredom and a corresponding decrease in sexual desire.

A date is a theatre for fun and exploration – two essential ingredients for sexual passion. It allows you to remember the fun side of your partner and it opens the door to a willingness to experiment with new roles, new positions, new adult toys and with sexual behaviours you desire

Skills at giving each other pleasure matter:

Finally, great sex involves great orgasms. Many authors have minimized the role of orgasm in sexuality in an attempt to try and prevent sex from becoming a simple pursuit of orgasm. While their point is not without merit, in general, men and women who always have orgasms tend to report much higher levels of enjoyment of sexual intimacy and much higher levels of desire for such.

The ability to provide and experience great orgasms is a direct result of knowledge of how each other’s body works, what provides the other pleasure and substantial skills as a lover such that you are able to provide that pleasure.

At Henze & Associates, we know how to help you take a ho-hum sex life and help you reclaim the magic you used to have. If things aren’t working the way they were – or never really worked all that well to begin with consider choosing to no longer settle for anything less then magical sex – for BOTH of you!

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